Birthday Note to Myself

My Love may die before morning.
But I have been with her for eight years.
There is no way I could be cheated if I didn't
have her for another day.
I didn't deserve her for one minute, God Knows.

And I may die before morning.

What I must do is die TODAY.
I must accept the justice of death and
the injustice of more "life."
I have had a good life -
joyous and longer than many, better than most.
Junthip* died when she was twenty six.
I have had thirty years.
I couldn't justify another day.
I did not create myself, it is a gift.
I am me, that is the miracle.
I had no right to remain a single hour.
Some remain a single minute.
And yet I have had thirty years.

Few consciously choose when they will die.
I choose to accept death now.
As of this moment I give up my "right" to live.
And I give up my "right" to her life.

But it's morning.
Within my hands is another day to listen and to love
and walk and glory.
I am here for another day.

I think of those who aren't.

What does it mean to be here?
What does it mean to have FRIENDS?
What does it mean to get dressed, to have a meal, to work?
What does it mean to come home?
What is difference between the living and the dead?

I sometimes wonder if the "dead" are not more present,
more comfort, more here than most of the living.

Today I want to do things to be doing them,
not to be doing something else.
I don't want to paddle to get there,
be there to make themjoy,
or study to "keep abreast".

I don't want to do things to sell myself on myself.
I don’t want to do nice things for people
so that I will be "nice".
I don't want to work to make money,
I want to work to work.

Today I don’t' want to live for,
I want to live.

Anyway, Happy Birthday Jitu cha.


Note excerpted from Book,"Note to Myself" by Hugh Prather and rearranged

Great Escape with 'Kutumba'

It was so good to get catapulted from the vicinity where people care not to spare me single SMS in reply which cost them rupee 1 or may be less and to the place where I can pluck oranges as many as I can in just rupees 10. Moreover those genuine smile they wear on their faces to greet a stranger like me is simply beyond mere money could buy. This paradox of people's intimacy I felt was more than my words can express and I just can't help wondering why are we so restless to join the rat race to dampen our compassion. There are so many things we take for granted in our daily life and it's so easy to say I'll do that later but the chance may never come. And this is why I jump to grab any chance I get to go outside from all hustle and bustle of Kathmandu metropolitan, and enjoy such beauty of love, care and compassion that rural people possess.

And I am glad that I got this chance to explore and enjoy time with "Kutumba" (A Classical musical Band) recently. Our main destinations were Bandipur and Riverside Spring Resort where Kutumba preformed traditional folk tunes from their new album "Naulo Bihani" (New Dawn). Trip was for promotion of their third album and also to promote eco-cultural tourism in Bandipur. Bandipur is very picturesque which is situated in Tanahu district 143 km to the west of Kathmandu. It is a Newar town that still retains much of its centuries-old appeal. It was a wonderful experience being there with such a mix of passionate people and "Kutumba" whose music captivated all of us and enthralled dweller of Bandipur.

The trip was no doubt came as a great excuse for me to cheer myself up, since my life has been so topsy-turvy. For the first time in my life I felt such awful hallowness of missing someone so close to my heart and soul. It is very painful experience. And even time seems slipping by at a snail's pace as if it is mocking me with its slowness and gaining a vicarious thrill out of my prolong anguish.

During the trip: my lonesome moment sitting along the bank river Trishuli listening to its roar and watching the twilight skies.. not just watching but indeed loosing myself in its incredible vastness was one of pleasure I could afford myself in this difficult time of my life when I need to take mind off things.

Somewhere I read, 'it takes both rain and sunshine to create a rainbow'. Let me hope "this RAINBOW" which took away all my hopes and dreams would one day sure bring happiness and things will return to normal. For now I am pretty sure to keep exploring my memories good and bad, even though they hurt me, turn me tears. I'll always put effort to relive them as much as I can.

Know more about KUTUMBA.